Mistress of Suppression
by sonea91
Summary: Hermione has had feelings for Harry, again and again, but she's also always succeeded in suppressing them. Following the war, she finds it harder than ever to do so. Will she eventually find the courage to reveal her feelings to Harry?
1. The aftermath of the war

Since I have just recently written a Hermione-Harry one-shot (Standing by your side 'til the end) and people were dissatisfied with the ending (I have to admit, it was a wee bit mean^^), I decided to make up for it by writing a longer story, beginning with the same starting point.

**Disclaimer for the whole story: I do not own any rights concerning Harry Potter whatsoever! J.K. Rowling does.**

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The battle had been waging for hours, when Harry had struck the final curse, killing the Dark Lord. All remaining deatheaters had either fled or surrendered.

Even though the dark side had finally been defeated, there was no one near that was anything close to happy. There had been far too many losses, far too many people to mourn.

The Weasleys had all gathered around Fred's dead body, unable to come to terms with the death of their beloved brother and son. Molly was in sobs, and there was not one of them, that had no traces of tears in their eyes. The family stood there, and if it had been for another reason, it could have been a lovely picture of a family reunion, each of them in the arms of another. Even though they were all devastated, one could also witness the glint of pride in their eyes, Fred had died in the manner of a hero, fighting for the cause he believed in.

Harry on the other hand had some mourning of his own to do. He was crumbled across Lupin's body, crying about the loss of the only father figure he had had left. Yet again, he had somehow succeeded in winning over Voldemort. Yet again he had failed in protecting those he loved and cared for. Life was not fair.

Hermione was sitting in a dark corner in the Great Hall on her own. She hadn't wanted to intrude on the Weasleys' family privacy and she did not want to disturb Harry either. People had died, people whom she had sincerely and dearly liked, even loved, but she had not been as close to them as any of the others.

She was caught up in her own thoughts, thinking about her parents, wondering where they were and what they were doing and whether they would ever be able to forgive her for what she had done. If she was to find them, that is.

She looked at the trembling figure of her best friend, not far from her and felt so sorry for him. Life did not treat him well, he did not deserve this. He was the boy, no, by now the man who had once again saved them all and fate thanked him by killing all the people close to him. This was not how things were supposed to be. This was not how fairytales ended. Even though Hermione had never taken a real liking in this sort of books, right now, she would have given anything for that kind of ending. Sadly, it was not up to her to change things to the way she wanted them to be.

Days passed, weeks even, and the wizarding world was still in a state of shock. Many funerals had taken place, too many for anyone to count.

Eventually, first celebrations took place, but neither the Weasleys, nor Harry or Hermione were in any mood to take part in them. However, the wizarding world slowly but surely started to rebuild itself.

Harry had taken custody of Teddy, but he did not spend much time with him. He was still too much wrapped up in his own guilt and misery. He had momentarily moved in with the Weasleys, as had Hermione, but it was evident that they could not live there for much longer, the place had already been crowded before they all had been there.

Ginny had started to take care of Teddy, being very protective with him, not to say obsessive.

The situation was solved when, after two months or so, Bill and Charlie both decided to go back to their work. Even though no one wanted to see them leaving, they also felt that at last they had gotten some space to breathe again.

Hermione was lying on her bed, brooding. She was unsure whether it was time for her to leave as well or not. The final battle had made her realize that she did not really love Ron and he had obviously come to the same conclusion. Only a few days after the Battle of Hogwarts, they had broken up. It had been awkward at first, but they were back to being best friends now. The battle had also shown to Hermione how valuable time was, and that one should not postpone things. Who knew what might happen to the person whom you love, they might die not knowing what you truly feel for them.

Even though she truly had come to believe this, she did not have it in her to open her heart. She did not want to complicate things, and she for sure didn't want to ruin a wonderful friendship.

Yes, the deaths of so many beloved people had made her once again realize that she, Hermione Jane Granger was deeply and irrevocably in love with Harry James Potter. Yet she did not find the courage to tell him so.

There was also something else she really needed to talk to him about, but dared not to. She knew that Harry did not really love Ginny, he only made himself believe so. And she understood why he did so, Ginny looked just liked his mother and since there was none of his own family left, he had taken a liking of the first person that somehow resembled one of them.

Not that she didn't like Ginny, she was a lovely, cheerful person and they had become great friends over the years, but she was just not right for Harry. Her friend had one flaw that she was not willing to oversee: She took a liking for famous people, and Hermione had long ago come to the conclusion that Ginny did like Harry, but really loved Harry Potter, the boy-who-lived.

It was only now that she took into consideration that her own feelings for Harry might have clouded her opinion, but she knew that situations like that, she could still observe somehow objectively. She could not even name the exact time when she had realized how madly she was in love with Harry, she had always been good at suppressing her feelings.

However, she started to remember the sting of jealousy she had felt, when Harry and Ginny had become closer, but she had blocked it out, as she had done before. And then she had started to go out with Ron, a part of her really interested in him and wanting to get to know him better, but another part also wanting to see how Harry would react, wanting to make him jealous. To her dismay, he had rather behaved contrary to her hopes, encouraging the two of them and being happy for them. And, being the master of suppression, somewhere along the way she had "forgotten" about the second reason for going out with Ron, making herself believe that she was in love with the red-neck.

Luckily, Ron had also been rather "exploring" than really been interested in her or it might have turned out messy.

But when Harry had leaned over Lupin's dead body, all her old feelings had come back flooding in. It hurt her to see him so broken, she wanted to comfort him, yet felt that it was inappropriate, that it was not her place to do so, it was Ginny's. At the same time, she herself was longing for some comfort, and she found that it were not Ron's arms she imagined being wrapped around her.

Hermione sighed, she had once again allowed herself to be wrapped up in her day-dreams. But enough of that. It was not for the first time, so it was no big problem to her to once again push her feelings away to somewhere in the back in her mind, or so she thought. However, each time it seemed to get a little harder to really suppress her feelings, and she realized that she would not be able to do so if she wasn't to leave soon.

She swung off the bed, having made up her mind. She would leave the following day, going to Australia in an attempt to retrieve her parents.


	2. Returning from Australia

**A very short chapter, I'm sorry! I promise the next one will be longer and I'll have updated by Sunday, but right now I just didn't have any more time on my hands.

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Hermione was sitting leaned against the window, legs crossed, listening to music on her Ipod. Sad tunes sounded in her ear while she tried to fight off sleep. She didn't like to sleep in a public place, while surrounded by strangers, it made her feel vulnerable, and an airplane certainly was a public place. She sighed slightly, when she once again turned her head from one side to the other, desperately trying to prevent her eyes from closing. By now, she regretted her decision not to go by the floo network, but since Australia was too far away from England, she couldn't have flooed back straightaway, but would have had to take breaks at different places. Flying just had seemed like the easier option.

She had not told anyone that she was returning to London, so there was no one to pick her up at the airport when the airplane had finally safely landed. After getting her luggage, she only stopped shortly at a café for a coffee to take away and hurriedly walked on. She hadn't slept in 24 hours and exhaustion had set in.

She took the train and the tram, not really noticing anyone around her, not paying attention to anything that happened around her. It was only when she found herself standing in front of the Burrow that she realized that she had gone there without intending to do so.

Frankly, she hadn't wasted any thought on where she would go, it hadn't seemed important to her at the time. She looked at the building she had left about two years ago and she wished to go back inside, to feel included once again. However, she hadn't told them that she was coming though and she was not prepared to answer any questions right now, so she was about to turn around when a piercing scream stopped her.

"Hermione. Hermione, is that really you?" Ginny was by her side in a matter of seconds, hugging the older girl tightly.

"Why didn't you tell us you were coming? We've all been missing you so much!" the girl squeaked.

'Great', Hermione thought, now there was no way for her to leave unnoticed. She allowed the other girl to usher her into the kitchen, where Harry and Ron were sitting, discussing about some Quidditch game. However, once they noticed her, they jumped up and ran towards her. Harry reached her first, hugging her as tightly as Ginny had: "Hermione, it's so good to have you back, we've missed you."

Ron stepped towards her next, and since Molly and the other Weasleys had noticed her arrival, she was soon busy returning embraces.  
"Hey, nice to see you, too", she whispered at one. "It's good to be back" at another. Yet her smile never fully reached her eyes.

They sat down in the living room, drinking some tea, chatting about unimportant things.

"Hermione, what happened?", Ron finally asked her. "You haven't written to us in ages. So, when did you and your parents come back anyway?"

"There's no 'we', it's just me. They didn't come back with me" Hermione was speaking very quietly.

"But why?" Ginny asked astonished, but also in a calm voice, trying not to hurt her friend's feelings.

"I – I couldn't find them" Hermione murmured. "I've crossed Australia from North to South, from West to East and the other way around. I've looked everywhere, yet I could not find them. No one in Australia has ever heard of 'Mendell and Monica Wilkins', no one."

A silence followed, since nobody knew what to say to her. It was Ginny who first embraced the young woman, trying to comfort her. "I'm so sorry", she whispered in her ear.

Hermione felt strangely comforted by it all. She hadn't been hugged by anyone in a long time, nor had she anyone to turn to when she needed someone to talk. Even though she tried to hold them back, the tears she had not allowed herself to cry finally spilled from her eyes. Her whole body shook when she started to sob, there had been so much that she had held back. Harry, Ron and Ginny all sat around her, the latter still embracing her tightly, comforting her as good as they could. They had been sitting in this manner for about an hour, Hermione's tears coming more and less heavily at times, but never completely stopping, when her breath started to become steadier. At last, she fell asleep in Ginny's arms, exhaustion getting the better of her. She drifted off, and for the first time in what seemed to be ages, she didn't have any nightmares.

Arthur levitated her up the stairs and they placed her in the spare bed in Ginny's room, where she had always used to sleep when staying over.

Downstairs her friends were still gathered, discussing how they would be able to help her.


	3. Recovering

Hermione woke up the next day at an unusually late time for her. When she went down for breakfast, everyone else was already gathered around the table.

"Morning, 'Mione", Harry greeted her, carefully observing her, as did the others.

"Morning", she replied, still a bit sleepily. She seemed to be in a much better mood than the day before.

After breakfast Harry suggested that they could take a trip into Hogsmeade, visiting George in his shop and maybe Hermione needed some things.

Contrary to what he had expected, she quickly agreed. She and Ginny just went up to their room to gather some 'stuff'.

"It's weird" Ron said. "She seems to be the old Hermione, but something's missing, even though I can't place my finger on what exactly that is."

"I know", Harry replied. "It's weird, how she doesn't even seem to care about it anymore. She's never been the most emotional one of us, but that kind of change in mood can't be healthy for anyone."

"You're right, she's behaving like nothing happened at all", Ron said, just when Hermione and Ginny walked back down the stairs, obviously having overheard the boy's conversation.

"I'm sorry" Ron started. "I didn't mean for you to hear that. – That came out wrong, I just – I'm just worried about you."

"It's alright, Ron", Hermione replied. "Thanks for worrying about me, but you really don't need to. I'm not going to break down on you like I did yesterday. For which I am very sorry and sincerely want to apologize to all of you. I shouldn't just have let myself go like that!"

"Don't be ridiculous", Harry interrupted her. "Everyone needs to mourn if something bad happens to them."

"Well, maybe they do. But that doesn't mean you have to display it publicly."

"But", Harry was about to interrupt her again, when Ron just shook his head, signaling him that they better just dropped the subject. However, her friends were still worried about her.

Over the course of the next week, Hermione turned back to being her cheerful, studious self. Except that something was missing, how Ron had put it, but no one could really name the change that had taken place.

Hermione had gone back to being the observer. She had hidden the grief she felt about losing her parents, wrapping it up into a little parcel that she pushed to somewhere very far back in her mind. Since her mind was filled with loads of different things, it was easier for her to do so than it would have been for others, but she managed.

When she had left, the Weasleys had still been in a state of depression and to her relief, much of that had gone. They had come to accept the death of their beloved son and brother Fred over the course of time.

However, when George was around, she noticed that he had undergone a change. If it would have been for another reason, she would have welcomed it, she had always given out to the twins for being such pranksters. But George had lost much of his old cheerfulness, even cheekiness, and she found that she missed it. The George of nowadays had lost his straight-forwardness, his cheerfulness, his wittiness; frankly, he had turned into a different person. Fred's death seemed to have affected him the most, not really surprising when considering that they had been twins.

But not only George had changed, the whole family had. The family had been drawn closer together and Molly seemed to be worrying even more about each member of her family than before. The fact that both Ron and Harry had become aurors in the time during which Hermione had been gone didn't really help it.

Teddy had grown, being now a cheerful 2,5-year old. Ginny treated him like her own son, and Hermione noticed that she spent far more time with him than Harry did.

And then, the relationship between Ginny and Harry: She had left, remembering them as being the happiest couple ever, but to her surprise their relationship seemed to have become more strained since she left. Yet neither of them seemed to care or even notice.

Hermione had decided that she wanted to work for the ministry, she wanted to devote her life to fighting for the rights of house-elves and other discriminated creatures, like werewolves. A job in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures had been offered to her for the start of the new year. It was agreed upon that she would stay with the Weasleys 'til then.

However, Hermione kept all of those thoughts to herself, there was hardly anything she could do or so she thought.

Meanwhile, Ron had started to date some girl he'd met when going out the other night. Hermione found that she really didn't care anymore, going out with Ron had really only been a short episode in her life and she had moved on a long time ago. If anything, she felt happy for him.

Hermione herself had always been very independent and did not even long for a boyfriend. She was just happy on her own, or at least made herself believe so.

However, her friends thought differently. They noticed that Hermione had changed in some ways. For one, she had become more 'cold', not that she behaved coldly towards them, no, in some ways she was still the same affectionate Hermione they had all come to love, but she did not display any of her emotions lately. None of them could really tell whether she was feeling happy or sad, content or distressed.

Harry and Ron had tried to set her up with some guys from work, but Hermione had been rather outraged that they seemed to believe that she was in desperate need of a boyfriend and had turned all the offers down. She really didn't want to date at the moment.

Meanwhile, Harry and Ron would leave for weeks, hunting down some of the last remaining deatheaters. Ginny was also gone most of the time, since the Quidditch season had just started. While she was gone, Mrs. Weasley took on the job of babysitting little Teddy.

Hermione spent most of her time, studying books that she believed to be valuable for her job to come. She wanted to be prepared the best she could. More than ever before, she burrowed into books, gathering all the information she possibly could.

Life turned back to being normal, if you can ever call life normal. Time flew by and finally, Christmas arrived.

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**There are only very few things I love more than getting reviews=)**


	4. Christmas Day

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed or added this story to her/his favourite/alert list! It really means a lot to me!**

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**Hermione woke up being shaken by someone. With one swift movement her wand was in her hand, threateningly pointed at her attacker.

"Hey! Chillex! It's only me", Ginny said half laughing, half frightened. "Remember, it's Christmas Day and now look at you: Still asleep and threatening the first one who dares to wake you up."

"Sorry", Hermione mumbled, putting her wand aside.

"Anyway, everyone's already up. I would have never guessed that I'd live the day that Hermione Granger is the last one to get up." Ginny laughed, while Hermione just looked taken aback. Great! Christmas Day! Not exactly a day she had been looking forward to.

"I'll go downstairs now, but make sure to hurry up", Ginny said, leaving the room to an uncomfortable Hermione. She didn't even know why she wasn't particularly looking forward to this day. As she got out of bed, she imagined what it would have been like if her parents could have been there. She missed them. She remembered all the Christmases she had spent at home with them, as much as she had missed her friends during the holidays in general, Christmas had always been her time to spend with her family and there wouldn't have been any place on earth that she'd prefer to be on that particular day.

"Stop it", she chided herself. "No use to cry over spilled milk." She hadn't felt as sad in quite a while, but being Hermione, she didn't let herself linger on her thoughts for too long. She just didn't have the time to mourn her parents, she said to herself, and anyway, what use would it be. And she was strong, she was Hermione for god's sake, one of the Golden Trio, she was not one to be deeply affected by this kind of things. Sure, it might be ok to mourn a little, but now was certainly neither the time nor the place for it.

She forcefully pulled her thoughts together, once again suppressing the feelings that threatened to overwhelm her. No, she was stronger than this. She would not let herself succumb to them.

She changed into a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a large, comfy jumper. By the time she walked down the stairs she had all but forgotten about the thoughts she had just had.

"Morning, 'Mione", she was greeted by three sets of cheerful eyes. Ginny just nodded at her, and Ron could not be bothered to wish her a good morning. "About time. We've been waiting for you for ages." Everyone laughed at Ron's obvious impatience.

"It's good you're down" Harry said jokingly. "I don't think we could have kept Ron from opening his presents for much longer."

Ron tried to hit Harry with his foot, but miserably failed and hit a nearby standing chair instead. "Ouch", he squeezed, holding on tightly to his leg. This caused Harry to laugh even harder, whilst Ginny was rolling her eyes but couldn't help but smile at the same time.

"Alright then, let's get started" Molly said, sounding nearly excited as her son. She was happy that her son's two best friends spent Christmas at her house, it would have been awfully quiet without them. She had been used to Christmas Days with loads of people. However, this year Bill had decided to spend Christmas alone with Fleur, who was about five months pregnant, and Charlie had to stay in Romania for another few days. Percy was a lot closer to his family than he had been in previous years, yet he prefered to spend his Christmas Day with his new girlfriend, Claudia. As to George, Molly had tried everything in her might to convince him to come, but he had insisted that he wanted to spend Christmas on his own. Christmas without Fred just wasn't the same, he reckoned, and therefore he had decided to rather open his shop that day, expecting to make a good profit since it would be the only shop opened that day.

So it was really only Molly, Arthur, Ginny, Ron, Harry and Hermione there. However, Molly had decided that she was going to enjoy this day as much as ever, Christmas had always been her favourite time of the year.

Hermione blinked when she noticed a small package being thrown at her from the corner of her eye, just in time to catch it. "Thanks", she said to Ron, when she realized that it been him throwing the present.

Everyone started exchanging presents now, and after having given a present to Harry first, she opened the one from Ron. It was a huge book, titled "House Elves – where they first came from and how their role within society changed throughout the years", by Gina Waterfoot, whom she recognized as one of the most committed fighters for rights for suppressed species. "Thanks", she told Ron, smiling brightly at him. It was the kind of present she had expected and the kind of present she was sure to like.

After opening the presents from the others, she found that all of them except Molly (who had given her one of the typical Weasley jumpers) had gotten her books. She felt a wee bit disappointed, not that she didn't appreciate the presents, or didn't like them, they were all books that she would have bought for herself eventually anyway, it was just that they hadn't really given her any extraordinary presents.

It were casual presents, unless they would have gotten her a book about divination they could have hardly gotten her any that she wouldn't have liked and appreciated. Still she was a little disappointed that none of them had gotten her anything more personal, even though that would have meant risking that she wouldn't like it. But she would have preferred an utterly useless gift to these play-it-safe presents. However, she quickly suppressed the disappointment she was feeling, she knew they had meant well, and put on a fake cheerful smile instead.

Everyone was finished unpacking, when Harry revealed another small box from behind his back and gave it to Ginny. Since no one had any presents left to open, they all watched curiously while Ginny was unpacking the present.

In it was a jewel case and therin – Hermione gasped along with Molly and Ginny – a beautiful silver ring with a huge diamond. Ginny stared at the ring, disbelievingly, when Harry knelt in front of her.  
"Will you, Ginevra Molly Weasley, do me the honour of becoming my wife?" he asked her. Ginny just looked at him, still lost for words. "Yes, yes!" she finally cried out in joy. It was not like the proposal was totally unexpected, they had been going out for more than two years now and they had all known that they would eventually marry, it was just that it came at a totally unexpected time. She smiled brightly at her boyfriend, no, fiancé, and quickly leaned over to him for a kiss, not caring that her parents and her brother were in the room.

Molly was close to tears, indeed, she started to cry that very moment. Her only daughter was soon to be married, she couldn't have gotten a nicer present.

Ron cleared his throat loudly, uncomfortable at seeing his little sister and his best friend snogging in front of him. To his great relief, the two broke up (rather reluctantly) and Ron went over to hug his best friend, soon to be brother-in-law.

"I'm so happy for the two of you", he said, hugging his sister as well.

Arthur also smiled at them brightly, he couldn't have wished for a better son-in-law. Everyone was happy, and Harry turned to look at Hermione who was the only one who had not congratulated them yet.

Hermione was suddenly aware of the fact that she had just watched the scene in front of her, rather as a spectator than an actual participant. When she felt Harry stare at her, she quickly went over to him.

"Congratulations from me as well", she said, hugging him tightly. "You really managed to surprise us all with your choice of time!" Harry smiled at her warmly, he really needed the approval of his best friend, and he was happy that she was happy for him.

However, while Hermione hugged him, she couldn't help but feel a sting of jealousy. Wait, jealousy?! What was she being jealous of?

After she had hugged Ginny, congratulating her as well, she seated herself on the floor and was once again lost in her own thoughts. No one noticed her being so absent-minded, since they were animatedly chatting about the wedding that now had to be planned.

Harry had quickly decided that Ron would have to be his Best Man, to which the latter immediately agreed, and Ginny wanted Hermione to be her Maid of Honour. "Hey Hermione", she called out. "Would you like to be my Maid of Honour?" she asked her.

"Sure", Hermione answered, once again taken aback from her own thoughts. "I'd love to", she added, trying to sound more enthusiastically.

Ginny seemed content and went back to chatting with Molly about her wedding, about the flowers, the dresses, the date, there was so much that yet had to be arranged.

Hermione on the opposite was in a confused state of mind. Why had she felt jealous? She did not fancy Harry, he had always been her best friend, nothing more. What was wrong with her then? She didn't know, and did not want to think about it for much longer, so she just shook her head resolutely (which gained her a confused look from Ron) before she joined Ginny's and Molly's conversation.


	5. Preparations and changes

The Christmas days had passed in no time. All the planning for the wedding kept them all busy, and there wasn't one quiet minute, since Mrs. Weasley had started to run around the house all excitedly and her excitement hadn't yet worn off, and probably wouldn't wear off for another while. Her only daughter was getting married, and she couldn't have wished for a better son-in-law.

Meanwhile, Hermione was up in her and Ginny's room, packing her last stuff. She was due to move out tomorrow and was very excited about it, not only the moving-out part, but especially about her job. She was just closing her suitcase, when Ginny walked in. "It's time for dinner", she called out and waited for the elder girl to follow her back down the stairs.

Molly had prepared a real feast for dinner, claiming that this would be Hermione's last meal at their house in a while, so it'd have to be a good one. The kitchen was soon filled with happy chatter and laughter. After dinner, they all sat down in the living room, chatting for another while. Ginny and Harry were telling Hermione about the houses they had been looking at, since they were eager to move out once they got married.

The wedding was due to take place in March, so there was only two and a half months to get everything prepared. Loads of time, Harry reckoned, but Ginny and Molly seemed to think otherwise. However, this evening the talks did not focus on the oncoming wedding, but rather on Hermione. They recalled events from their school time, joked about the way they had first gotten to know her, teasing her for still being the little know-it-all in some ways (though they admitted that this character trait of Hermione's had probably saved them quite a few times, since she would be the only one to recall a certain spell) and were also talking about her job. Hermione was all excited, at last she would be doing something useful in her life (not that saving the wizarding world more than just once hadn't been anything useful, as Harry noted) and was eager to start on her work. Knowing Hermione, Ron started, she would have changed the whole laws concerning suppressed creatures in just a few months, for the better of course. This earned him a smack on the head from Hermione who told him that he shouldn't be too over-enthusiastic.

As the night wore on, most of the Weasley family retired to bed, until only Harry, Hermione and Ron were left. They remembered all the funny moments the "Golden Trio" had experienced, but also their adventures throughout the years. A feeling of nostalgia had overcome them all, since they knew that the days when the Golden Trio had been united had passed, they all had to go on living their own, separate lives. However, they had long ago promised to one another that they would not lose contact, whatever might happen. Ron threatened Hermione that if she ever dared to stop contacting them (like she had done during her stay in Australia) he would personally come to get her. Harry quickly supported him by saying that he would most definitely tag along.

The evening ended with a lot of happy chatter, even though one could also sense a hint of sadness in their eyes. Things would never be the same way they had used to be and especially Harry was troubled by the fact that he wouldn't be seeing the one person, who had always stood by his side no matter what, as often as he'd liked to. Finally they all separated, walking up to their rooms and more falling into bed than just getting in it since they were all dead-tired. Only Hermione was still awake enough to walk to the bathroom to brush her teeth and when she finally slid into bed, carefully trying not to wake Ginny up, it was well past five in the morning. Only three hours until she would have to get up again, she thought tiredly, before she at last fell asleep.

The next morning everyone was gathered around the breakfast table and Molly once again proved her extraordinary cooking talents by the amount of delicious food she had cooked. There were pancakes with strawberries and chocolate syrup, omelets with ham and mushrooms, golden toast and loads of other things and the huge table seemed to be absolutely overloaded with food. Harry and Ron appeared to be still half-asleep, as opposed to Hermione, whose eyes were bright with excitement.

After breakfast, Hermione went up to get her stuff, throwing in the last few things she had left so far. She looked around the room one last time, a room that had been her home for the last few months and let out a small sigh. Rather reluctantly she went downstairs, however, her nostalgia was soon replaced by a feeling of excitement. It was the first time she would be living entirely on her own, and even though the thought frightened her to some extent, she was also happy, feeling that she was finally becoming an adult, not having to rely on anyone else for the first time in her life.

In spite of her protest, Mr. Weasley took her suitcase from her, carrying it to the fireplace in the living room. Hermione looked around, smiling at the people around her, who had become so very close to her. It was good to know that they would always only be a floo-powder away from her.

"That's it then, my dear", Molly exclaimed, rather excitedly herself. George hugged Hermione quickly, since he had to leave for his shop, but everyone else had settled on coming along with her.

Hermione was the first one to take a pinch of floo-powder, stepping into the fire and, with one last glance around the room, she uttered "Granger apartment" and was immediately taken to her new home. Molly, Arthur, Harry, Ginny and Ron all followed suit and soon they all stood in Hermione's living room. It was rather packed with the whole lot of people in it, since the apartment was not all that big. However, Hermione just loved this place, which she had been able to furnish herself. Therefore, it was not really surprising that two of the walls in the rather small living room where completely covered with book shelves, stuffed with all kinds of books, one shelf even dedicated to some muggle books Hermione had read as a child and had taken a liking to.

"Alright, dear", Molly said. "We better leave you to unpack your stuff now. And you're sure you don't need any help?"

"I'm sure", replied Hermione, smiling.

"Well then", Molly stepped forward. "I'm going to miss you. You know, to me you're still part of our family. If you ever need someone to talk to, you know where to find us." With that, she hugged Hermione and stepped into the fire, vanishing as she went back to their house.

Arthur was next. He quickly hugged Hermione as well, reminding her to put up the wards once they were gone ("even if the war has passed, you're still one of the Golden Trio and you wouldn't just want anybody to be able to get into your home, would you?") and followed his wife.

Now Ginny went over to hug the elder girl. "You know, you've always been much like an elder sister to me", murmured Ginny. Both Ginny and Hermione had tears in their eyes now.

"You know, it's not like good-bye forever", said Ron, clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation. "And you promised Mum you'd be over for dinner at least once a week."

"I know", replied Hermione. "It's just, I'm still going to miss you all."

Ginny hugged her once again before she, rather reluctantly, left as well.

Ron and Harry went over to hug her at the exact same time, which caused them all to giggle. "Ok, group hug then", Hermione just said, hugging tightly the two persons who were closest to her these days.

"Bye Ron, bye Harry", she said, as they left and for a long while she was just standing there, staring into the flames that had just swallowed her two best friends.

Soon enough, Hermione pulled herself out of her trance-like state, and took her suitcase to her bedroom. It would have been a miracle for an outsider, how she could have possibly fitted all her stuff in the bag, but it wasn't that much of a miracle, really. For one, she had already moved a lot of her stuff into her new apartment before, for another she didn't really possess that many things (beside her book collection, which was rather huge), she had never been a material girl, and never would be. And for the last, she had once again performed a little magic of her own, therefore extending her suitcase to such an extent that she could have fitted an elephant into it, if she'd liked to.

After she had arranged everything as neatly as she wanted it to, she looked around, contently. After she had made herself a large cup of tea, she settled into what was to become her favourite armchair, happily opening her very favourite book, "Hogwarts – a history", since she reckoned that she had deserved one evening without doing a whole bunch of research for her job. She knew that she as best prepared for it as one possibly could, still she felt a bit excited about it. She would find out just how well she had prepared the following day, since she would start working then.

However, this evening, Hermione was for once able to forget about the task that was awaiting her, since she was once again drawn into the wondrous and amazing story of Hogwarts, a place that she even now still reckoned to be her second home.

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**Reading is silver, but reviewing is golden=)**


	6. The Wedding

Hermione had soon settled into her new home. She loved the place, even though she did not spend too much time there. She was busy with all the workload, since her field of activity – i.e. the rights of suppressed creatures – had been rather neglected in the past. She had not made any huge achievements yet – at least as far as she reckoned . However, she had been able to improve the situation of some individuals, just yesterday she had managed to find a job for a werewolf.

Yet her friends didn't allow her to get too wrapped up in her work, and, as she had promised, she attended a dinner at the Burrow at least once a week.

Time flew by, and before she had time to notice, it was March and the wedding was to take place.

It was a bright spring morning and the sun rays were reflecting on the mellow green of the grass outside. They had agreed on having a ceremony in the large garden of the Burrow, since neither Harry nor Ginny were religious it just seemed to be going to a church for the wedding.

There were only minutes until the actual ceremony left, when Hermione took a last glance at the waiting and still happily chatting crowd, checking if everything was still as it was supposed to be. She was wearing a deep green dress, which went to just beneath her knees and which suited her perfectly. She turned around when she heard someone approaching: Ginny.

Even though Ginny was supposed to be the happiest person around, right now she just looked very, very nervous. Hermione squeezed her hand reassuringly and smiled at the younger girl. She really looked beautiful in the long, white silk dress.

"Only a few minutes", she whispered in her ear, and Ginny just smiled back at her, grateful for the other girl's comfort.

Hermione gave her one final hug, careful not to crumple her dress. "I gotta go", she said before she left, taking her place in the front row, Ron on her one side and Molly on the other.

Just about a minute later music started to play, and she saw Harry walking towards them. Just behind the last bench he was joined by Ginny, and she could see how he looked at his wife-to-be in awe, not having seen her in the dress before. They linked their arms and started to walk down the imaginary aisle, one of them smiling brighter than the other. Molly started to cry next to her and Hermione tried to comfort her. She smiled on the inside, thinking how cliché it was for the mother of a bride to cry at the wedding. Well, she herself would definitely not start to cry, she believed that to be rather pathetic.

She turned her attention back to the happy couple walking down the aisle. But what she saw weren't Harry and Ginny.

_The Yule Ball, Pavarti walking at Harry's side. She knew he didn't care for her, yet she couldn't help it but feel jealous. Why hadn't he asked her?_

Hermione shook her head. What had that been about? She couldn't even recall that situation. She was confused, but believed it to be best to turn her attention to the ceremony that was taking place in front of her.

She saw how Mr. Walkinson, a ministry official who was to marry the couple, started to talk to Harry and Ginny. Ginny turned her head slightly to look and smile at her soon to-be-husband. But once more, it was not Ginny whom Hermione saw.

_Cho talking to Harry during one of the DA meetings. She was smiling at him, and he was smiling back like a lovesick puppy. And once again, she felt that same old sting of jealousy._

What was the matter with her? This was weird, she seemed to recall events that had never happened, or had they?

She saw that Harry was only paying attention to Mr. Walkisnon half-heartedly. Instead his gaze was upon his beautiful soon-to-be-wife, Ginny. His mouth was half-open and he looked rather unattractively at this very moment.

_Harry, staring at Cho once more. She was sitting at the Ravenclaw table, talking to her friends. Then one of them noticed Harry's stare and nudged Cho. She turned around and smiled at Harry, who, in his excitement and in an attempt to smile back at her, forgot all about the juice he was currently drinking, only to spill it all over himself rather unattractively. The girls all started to giggle and turned away and Hermione found herself thinking that he still looked kind of cute and wished that he would only once smile at her that way._

Wait, what the heck was happening? This was seriously starting to freak her out. Hermione started to feel herself tearing up, damn it, why couldn't she control herself better. Upon seeing the tears that were threatening to spill from Hermione's eyes, Molly, who had just stopped crying herself, started to sob once more. Great, just great.

_Hermione was sitting at the stairs, crying. It was Harry who went after her, who tried to comfort her. She had started to fancy Ron, or at least pretending to do so in order to make Harry jealous. She believed that once they were a couple, maybe Harry would come to realize his mistake. She knew it was not fair on Ron, but she couldn't help it. And now he was snogging stupid Lavender. Another of her plans gone awry. _

_And here he was, trying to comfort her, not understanding that the main source of all her tears was him, had always been him, would always be him. _

The couple said their vows and Harry leaned in to kiss his wife. For a second, Hermione let herself believe that it was her up there, her and not Ginny. Oh my god, what was she doing?

Hermione was among the first to congratulate the newly-weds, still slightly dazed. Why was this happening? How was this happening? Why now?

The ceremony was followed by a huge feast. They had persuaded Molly not to cook herself, since even Molly Weasley would have been overburdened with the amount of guests. Hence, they had ordered food from a catering business instead. It smelled delicious and soon everyone was busy overloading their plates with yet another different thing.

Hermione's thoughts kept on distracting her. Focus, just focus. This was not how this had been supposed to work. She was supposed to be having fun, not to be regretting events of her past, which she didn't even recall.

_Seeing him sleeping when they were on the hunt for Horcruxes. Thinking how very cute he looked. Fearing for his life much more than for her own when they were being captured._

Stop it, she scolded herself. What the hell was happening? She couldn't be in love with her best friend, that was simply not possible.

After everyone had eaten, the music started to play. Hermione had not really been able to enjoy the feast, since her thoughts had kept on distracting her. She had also been busy trying to pretend that everything was alright on the outside.

She watched jealously as Harry and Ginny started to dance and everyone started to watch. Being so caught up in her observations, she was taken aback when Ron came over to her, bowing in front of her to indicate that he wanted to dance with her. She was puzzled for a moment, until she remembered that tradition required for the Best Man and the Maid of Honour to dance at the wedding. While she was spinning on the dance floor with Ron to a oh-so-happy song, she had some more flashbacks:

_Seeing Harry for the first time on the train. Realizing that it was Harry Potter indeed. Right then, she did not really think of Harry as a person, but of someone who would be interesting to study, sort of like her books. She had read so much about him, and now she would be able to get to know him in person. Soon however she found that he was not half as interesting as she had believed him to be, rather dull actually._

_Only a couple of weeks later: Harry and Ron saving her from the troll. Them becoming friends. Laughing together, talking together, having fun together._

_Worrying all the times he seemed to be in trouble. Worrying when she had to leave him alone to save the Philosopher's Stone. _

_Riding on Buckbeak together. Holding on tightly to him, afraid to fall off._

_Admiring him flying on his new firebolt in the air. Seeing how much he seemed to be in his element up there, and yet fearing for him to fall down._

So, so many memories. Where did they so suddenly come from? How? Why?

The dance was finished and she thanked Ron before she went back to the table she had been sitting at. The whole day passed for her in a blur, she was all happy and cheerful on the outside, but on the outside, a whole war of emotions was raging. Emotions were coming back that she had never even known she held.

Finally, it was time for the bride and the groom to leave. She hugged Ginny first, and then Harry. She looked after them as they left, left on their brooms, Ginny's dress wobbling in the air. He was not hers, would never be hers. What was she supposed to do now?

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**I'm exceedingly sorry for the length of this chapter, I really wanted to make it longer and more detailed. However, school work got in my way, and I preferred putting on something shorter than leaving it for another week. Maybe, if I have some time next week I'll go over it again and make it a bit longer.**


	7. Inner turmoil

Ginny and Harry were due to go on their honeymoon the day after the wedding. Thank god! That meant Hermione wouldn't have to see them in a while.

Hermione was in a turmoil. She had yet to sort out her feelings. So the night after the wedding she couldn't fall asleep but was rolling from one side to another. She had thought the wedding had been bad, but it was so much worse lying in her bed, on her own, when all the moments and thoughts she had tried so hard to suppress came flooding back in.

At first she was disgusted by herself. How could she have voluntarily suppressed all those feelings? But as the night wore on, she started to understand. It was a horrible feeling to love someone who didn't love you in return. Especially if that someone was in love with a very close friend of yours, who loved that person in return.

However, she wasn't too sure about the 'love' part between those two anymore. For as long as she remembered, she had always thought of Harry and Ginny as the happiest couple around, so much in love with one another. But as the night turned into morning she started to remember thinking that they did not really love another, that they made themselves believe that they loved another, that their love was but a farce. Right now, she wasn't sure what to think. Just to believe that her friends loved one another deeply seemed so convenient, yet Hermione had to recognize that they were only deceiving themselves.

But if there was anyone who deserved happiness right now, it was Harry. Who was she to tell him that he was deceiving himself? That he didn't really love his wife? Hermione let out a hysterical snort.

With another glance at her clock she decided that it was probably best for her to get up, it was nearly six in the morning and there was no way she'd fall asleep any time soon.

This was just – wrong. What had she done?

No, this was not her fault. She did not do anything wrong. After all she was not the one deceiving herself.

But how could she have let this gone on? How could she not tell her friends, who meant the world to her, the truth?

And just there it hit her. She knew Harry didn't love her, at least not as anything more than a friend or a sister. And she needed him to be happy, as well as Ginny. And as long as they would go on being so brilliant at deceiving themselves they would be happy – at least to some extent.

Yes, that had been her reason in the first place to let them carry on with deceiving themselves.

Hermione reached for the can of coffee she had just made and poured herself a cup of coffee. At first she just took it into her hands, enjoying the warmth that was spreading through them while holding on to the cup.

What was she to do now? Hermione really didn't know. She had fought evil, she was good at it, but this was a lost battle. Whatever she would do, someone would have to suffer, and there was no way any of this would end pleasant.

She downed her cup with a quick movement, burning her tongue in the process. Shit! This was not lemonade for Christ's sake.

Hermione let out another distraught giggle. It was not like her to giggle, but neither was it to curse, especially in her mind.

She made herself sit down at the small kitchen table. She could not let this go on, could not do this to herself. Hermione was a strong woman, who usually knew what to do. Not knowing what to do left her vulnerable and right now she was at the edge of breaking down. She tried to compose herself but couldn't. Too many memories were still flickering through her mind.

_A DA meeting: Everyone but Harry and Hermione had already left. _

"_Seems like everyone's making good progress", she observed._

"_We indeed are", Harry said. "You know, I was rather skeptical about the whole thing in the beginning. But Hermione, this was a bloody brilliant idea, you are just a bloody brilliant witch."_

_Hermione's cheeks turned bright red, while she desperately tried to come up with some answer but failed to. Harry just gave her another encouraging smile, winking at her, before he left the room of requirement._

_Hermione was in a better mood than she had been in a long while. Harry thought that she was 'brilliant'. Sure, it wasn't that much of a big deal, but it still made her heart beat faster._

_She forgot to take any precautions when she went out of the room of requirement. Luckily, no one was around to witness her coming out of there. She turned the corner, a massive smile still on her face, when she heard to people talking. She hid in a dark corner at once. However, she needn't have to, it was only Harry and Cho walking up the corridor past her. Wait! Cho! Jealousy was spreading through her body and even while she tried to convince herself that Harry wasn't in the least interested in Cho, she could not help it but notice the intimate way in which the two talked. _

_The happy mood she had been in just moments ago had all but disappeared …_

And that's how it had always been. She had watched his every move, had adored his every step, but she had never dared to get any closer to him for fear of losing him completely.

This was the moment Hermione finally broke down, sobbing. She buried her head in her arms on the kitchen table, her bushy hair spreading across the table. She was sobbing, sobbing for a long time. If anyone had found her like this, they wouldn't have believed this was Hermione Granger. This was not like her. She was strong – had to be strong, the war had made sure of that.

She didn't know how long she had been sitting there for, but it seemed to have been for a very long time indeed. But as suddenly as she had finally broken down, she recovered. She looked at herself in the mirror at the opposite wall. She looked like a complete mess.

No, she was Hermione Granger, she was stronger than this, she could not let herself go like this. She had to think about this rationally. What did she know?

She was irrevocably in love with Harry James Potter.

He didn't love her in return.

He believed to be in love with Ginny Weasley, and she believed to be in love with him in return.

She believed the two of them to be deceiving themselves.

As long as they kept on deceiving themselves the way they did, they would be happy. Harry would be happier when he could ever be with her.

And this was when Hermione Granger made her decision. She had sworn to herself that she would never act selfish, and so she wouldn't. Harry was better off without her, he and Ginny would be happy, founding their own little family. So she did the one thing she believed to be right in this situation. She collected all her depression, collected it all and pushed it to somewhere far back in her mind. She would not let herself mourn any longer for losing something she had never possessed. She knew it would be hard to forget, and she knew it was a coward's way out, but she also knew she wouldn't survive anything else.

When she looked at her reflection in the mirror again, she was content. Her face looked blank now, and even though one could still see the red, swollen eyes from all the crying, they no longer held the depression that had been in them before. She was devoid of any emotions right now, and if this was the price she had to pay for forgetting about her predicament, so be it.

Now she would go and take a shower and clean up the mess that was herself. Tomorrow she would bury herself in her workload and slowly but surely she would start to forget. It was not like she hadn't done that before.

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**Sorry guys, I know this is sort of repetitive, but it had to be done for a reason. However, I promise there will be more Harry – Hermione interaction in the next chapter=) **

**And as usual, reviews encourage me to update sooner^^**


	8. Meetings of the Golden Trio

**Thanks to everyone who's reviewed this story or added it to their favourite or alert list.**

**So finally, this chapter will include some more HHr interaction, albeit not too much yet, I'm afraid. Enjoy and let me know what you think by means of pressing that little green button beneath the story and inserting a few words=)

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Throughout the following weeks Hermione once again buried herself under a tremendous workload. Things finally seemed to improve a bit, and she was anxious not to pass up her opportunity.

The previous day she had given a passionate speech in the Wizengamot, which had resulted in a new law concerning the rights of house-elves being passed. The new law read as follows:

"_House-elves have to be treated as equals at all times. They may be bound to a particular family on their own request. However, this boundary will diminish the moment the house-elf is being abused by said family in any way, shape or form. _

_Furthermore, free house-elves can demand to be paid for their work. A free house-elf seeking for a new family should address the Office of House-Relocation for further assistance."_

(A/N: If anyone is interested in the speech Hermione might have given, have a look at one of my other stories, 'Books don't count' – chapter 3: 'A passionate speech'. The speech she would have given in this story should be much the same.)

Hermione had nearly jumped in joy when the judges had announced their decision to accept her suggestion and to pass the law she had suggested, effectively replacing the old one on said matter. Finally, she felt, her efforts were being rewarded. For the first time in months, Hermione took a break, allowing herself to relax a bit after the stressful last weeks.

Harry and Ginny were to return from their honeymoon the following day and Hermione was really looking forward to seeing them again. Not that she got on that well with Ginny – for a while she had hoped that the latter would turn out to be the little sister she'd never had, but that hadn't worked out to well and their relationship was rather strained, though, coming to think of it, she couldn't put her finger on why that actually was.

However, she was definitely looking forward to seeing her best friend again. Come to think of it, she hadn't seen Ron in a while either, so it'd be quite a reunion to celebrate.

As she had expected, an owl delivering an invitation for dinner at Potter Manor arrived the next morning. Hermione was delighted, to say the least. She would finally get to see her best friend again, her two best friends actually, since there was no doubt that Ron would have received an invitation quite similar to hers.

The evening at Potter Manor had passed far too fast, and before anyone had noticed, it was well past midnight, and Ron and Hermione made to leave. Well, obviously Ginny had noticed since she had retired to bed quite some hours ago, claiming that she was tired from the honeymoon. However, Hermione deemed that to be a mere excuse. She had much more the feeling that Ginny just noticed that she didn't blend it that well with the three of them and their exclusive club. After all, the term "Golden TRIO" as such highlighted its exclusiveness.

One thing was true, Ginny hadn't said too much throughout the whole evening. But in her eyes it was more the outright hostility that Hermione showed towards her, that caused this to happen. She had a feeling that Hermione didn't want her to intrude, and neither Ron nor Harry came to her aid, when Hermione had once again interrupted her mid-sentence. This was what prompted her to go to bed early, muttering something about being 'tired from the honeymoon'. Not like anyone really noticed her leaving, though. It was strange, she hadn't expected this kind of behavior from Hermione, a girl whom she recalled to always being nice to anyone, and a girl she had once been pretty good friends with. She didn't know what had happened to change that.

For the sake of Hermione's defense, she didn't mean to behave hostile towards Ginny in any way, and wasn't aware that she was hurting the other girl's feelings. Ron, as usual, and Harry, too excited about meeting his best friends again to be perceptible to something like that, didn't take notice of this 'battle' between the girls, a battle that neither of the girls had intended, mind you. It just – happened.

Reviewing the evening, Hermione would often wonder why that was. In another life, Hermione might have even come to think of Ginny as a little sister, but as it was, her subconsciousness seemed to be telling her not to like the girl. She wondered, however briefly, whether something had happened in the past between the two of them, something she had obviously forgotten about, that caused these feelings, but she couldn't remember anything. She wasn't too bothered about the subject, however, since Ginny hadn't exactly put forth an effort in becoming friends either, at least from her point of view. Little did she know that in her (successful) attempt to once again suppress her feelings, she had also suppressed things she hadn't meant to, and her friendship with Ginny was one of them. The only thing that had stayed was the jealousy she had always felt towards the younger girl, even though she no longer recognized it as such.

Harry spent a lot of time recounting everything he had seen and done on his honeymoon with Ginny. For once, Harry actually dwelled on little things, and seemed to be so joyful that Hermione was overly happy for him. At long last, Harry had found his happiness, and Hermione knew that he was the one who probably deserved it most of them all, after all that he had had to go through in the past.

Just before saying their goodbyes, the Golden Trio had promised one another that they would meet up regularly, at least once a week. They all valued their friendship highly, and there was hardly anyone as close to them as the respective two others.

These meetings once a week turned out to become Hermione's highlights of the week. It was the one time she could truly relax, not worrying about her work, just forgetting about anything else. In the beginning, Ginny usually accompanied Harry, but as time went on, she ceased to do so, excusing herself in the beginning and failing to even find any excuses a while after. It wasn't like anyone missed her at those meetings anyway, they hardly noticed she was gone. They were after all the best of friends, and Ginny was not stupid enough to try to get Harry away from them.

Harry felt guilty in the beginning, noticing that Ginny purposefully tried to avoid those meetings. However, he came to accept that after a while. This was just one part of his life his wife wouldn't be a part of, and he was ok with that, after all, she had her own friends, too.

Hermione loved meeting with "her" boys, how she liked to call them. They hadn't changed all that much, only that they seemed to be happier, and Hermione thought that she was probably much the same; finally none of them had to worry about any possible upcoming war or threat to their family. Thinking about her parents was still hard for Hermione, but she had at last come to accept that they were probably better off the way they were. She would have never forgiven herself if anything had happened to them due to her involvement in the war, and, not being a part of their life anymore seemed to be a little price for their lives.

Since all remaining deatheaters had been caught, Harry and Ron's jobs had turned quite quiet. Ron was considering quitting his job as an auror, instead helping George with his joke job. Both Hermione and Harry encouraged him to do so, since they both knew that it do the two brothers good to get closer, and that Ron would actually fit in there quite well.

Ron was still as incorrigible as ever, and more than once he earned himself a playful smack on his head from Hermione after making one of his famous ridiculous remarks. On one of their meetings, Ron actually brought his latest girlfriend along, whom he had actually been dating for two months without telling his friends. Of course he hadn't informed his friends beforehand, just dragging her along. It was like he was eagerly looking for his friends' approval, which they ultimately gave him. Gaby was a nice enough girl, and she and Ron just seemed to fit perfectly.

This was the only time, however, that anyone brought along someone else. It seemed to have become an unspoken rule that this meeting once a week belonged to the three of them, and to the three of them only. They were having fun, talking about nearly anything and never ran out of stuff to talk about.

Due to their celebrity status, the three of them rarely met up in public. Instead they preferred to meet up at one of their homes, usually Potter Manor, seeing as it was just the biggest ones.

It was another Saturday afternoon, when Hermione apparated to just outside the grounds of Potter Manor. Harry was already waiting for her, hugging her welcome.

"Ron won't make it today, I'm afraid", he said. "Gaby just sent an owl. Said, he's awfully sick, and complaining even more."

They both laughed. It was just so Ron to complain as much as he possibly could. They were sure, however, that Gaby would tend to him as best as she could.

"Right then, I prepared a picnic for us", Harry said, pointing to the large basket in his hand, which Hermione had failed to notice.

"Oh, that's a great idea, Harry", Hermione smiled at him. It was a lovely warm summer afternoon. They went down to their favourite spot by the lake, there they usually sat with Ron.

Harry took out a huge blanket from the basket which he spread on the ground. They put aside the picnic stuff for now, since neither of them was hungry yet. Instead they just enjoyed lying in the sun, talking about this and that.

Not before long, they started to joke around, Harry jokingly threatening her to throw her into the lake. This just prompted Hermione to double over laughing, saying that he would not dare to do so. Of course, that just encouraged Harry further, and before Hermione had time to realize what was happening, he had more or less gently picked her up and was walking with her straight into the lake, until his own knees were covered in water.

"Harry James Potter", half-squealed, half-scolded Hermione. "Don't you dare to drop me, if your life means anything to you!"

A mischievous glint spread over Harry's face, and he let go. However, Hermione had anticipated that move and wasn't willing to let go that easily. Instead she had grasped Harry's hand herself. Since Harry had not expected her to do anything of the kind, he was taken by surprise, and they ended up plunging into the water together.

Now it was Hermione's turn to laugh, and so did Harry, even though he complained about her "not playing fair". They spent quite some time in the water, since their clothes were soaked already it didn't really make that much of a difference anyway.

At long last, they were exhausted, and hungry (Harry's stomach had made a point by growling quite loudly quite a while ago), and they finally went out of the water. They both cast a quick drying charm over their clothes and sat down on the blanket. Hermione had forgotten to cast a drying spell over her hair, so whenever she would shake her head, or turn around fast, both of them would be sprinkled with drops of water. Harry was claiming that she did that on purpose, since she seemed to have the urge to do quite a lot of fast turns with her head, but he failed to do anything about it.

They were eating in comfortable silence for a while, laughing and chatting until Ginny appeared and joined them.

There was still laughter, but somehow the atmosphere was gone from then on. Finally, Hermione got up and said her goodbye to the two of them, leaving the couple on their own.

This afternoon had just been too much fun.

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**Yeah, not really much H-Hr interaction, I know, and I'm awfully sorry about that.  
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**This will probably be the last update in a while, since my final exams are starting in less than two weeks time, and I seriously need to start studying. I hope you'll still stick with the story, and I promise to make up for it with more regular updates once I'm done with school=) **

**For anyone who's looking forward to more H-Hr interaction, the next chapter will definitely contain more, even though I can't say anything as to when I'll be able to upload that one.**


	9. Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I am not even sure how to address you, how to write in you. It has been a long while since I've written an entry in one of your kind. When I was a child, I used to write in diaries a lot, I shared with them all the little secrets I had, all the secrets I didn't want anyone to know about, or mostly, didn't have anyone to share them with.

I was never one to interact much with children of my own age, strange they called me, weird, a bookworm, a freak. Harassment was something I was familiar with from a very early age on, and the fact that I knew what that word meant estranged me even more from the other children around me.

When I got to Hogwarts, things changed. I hadn't even taken a diary with me, convinced that things would change for me, and so they did. For the first time in my life, I made real friends, and the need for a diary to keep my secrets in vanished.

The old diaries were half-forgotten, accumulating dust in the attic.

And yet here I am today, starting a very new version of it. How come, some people may ask? Why would famous Miss Hermione Granger need to keep a diary? There should be loads of people she could talk to, right?

But the way things are, I am the only one responsible for this whole mess, and I will not drag anyone else into it. I caused it, and I will be the one to bear the consequences.

There are two reasons I have started writing this diary. The first is, because I need some way of collecting my thoughts, and in a way, someone to talk to. But the second, more important one is that I promised myself never to forget what I am about to write down. Because forgetting is a cheater's way out, and I will not take the easy way out, not again.

Have you ever had to realize that you were in love with your best friend? No? Well, maybe you just haven't identified the feeling as such.

It is hard to tell, really, for you do like spending time with your best friend anyway, unless you have a very weird understanding of friendship, that is.

So, is it any wonder that I didn't recognize any of the early signs?

I started spending more and more time with Harry, so what? He was my best friend after all, nothing wrong with that.

The only thing I knew was that I was on a temporarily high, always in a good mood, and I didn't know where it came from, but I didn't really care to find out, because for once in my life, I had decided that enjoying the feeling was more important than having a rational explanation for it. And maybe, my subconscious already knew that it wasn't meant to last.

When Harry started telling me about the frequent fights he and Ginny were lately having, I rejoiced, but I didn't recognize the feeling as such, at least not in the beginning. Looking back I now know that I simply kept myself from realizing what I was doing. What I did was so utterly wrong, but oh, it felt so good at the time. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced – at least as far as I could remember at the time.

So when he told me about their problems, I would listen, would advise him, would encourage him, while at the same time, some part of me would hope that, in the end, Harry's efforts wouldn't be enough, that their relationship was meant to end.

And that day, when he leaned over to kiss me, everything could have been perfect. I finally had admitted to myself that I was in love with me. And just before he had leaned over, he had admitted to me that he had started doubting his feelings for Ginny a long time ago, that he couldn't help but compare her to me. That he had realized along the way that he had harboured feelings for me for quite a while. And that he was going to break up with Ginny that very evening.

It was the maturest thing Harry had ever done, confessing his feelings or simply the fact that he was able to talk about them. Feelings had always been a sore subject with Harry, but that afternoon, he seemed to have come to terms with it. I felt strangely proud of him, and happy at the same time, the strangest sensation, really.

It was a brief kiss, but for as long as it lasted, I was oh so happy. But when our lips parted, it was like the whole world came crashing down upon. Memories came flooding back in, and I cursed my life right then and there.

When I started to remember, I had no idea what to do. So I ran. I ran away from him, from life, from everything. I took the coward's way out one last time.

I got home to my flat, completely disheveled. I was lying on my bed crying for a long time, until I finally fell into a restless sleep.

When I woke again, it was early morning. In the mirror across the room I caught a view of my self, I was a complete mess. I grimaced at my own image, before I gathered my stuff and went for a long and hot shower. Showers have always been my secret place, where I could think without anyone interrupting. And that morning, I took a particular long shower. I was crying once again, my hot tears intermingling with the stream of the water. But eventually my rational side started kicking back in once again. Oh how I detest that side of me sometimes. But at that moment, it made me calm, and when I had finished the shower, I had made my decision.

I was going to tell Harry the truth, the whole truth, about everything. He deserved to know, as did Ginny, for a matter of fact. But Ginny would come later, Harry first. If he still wanted me, after all this, then maybe, I did deserve him after all, and maybe, we could be happy.

I apparated to their flat straight after, my heart set on telling him. Only that it was Ginny I first ran into.

I suddenly remembered that Harry had wanted to break up with her the very last evening, and wondered how it had gone. And when I saw her beaming at me, just for a moment, I believed that everything would be alright. That Harry had told her about his feelings, and that she had understood, that she felt the same way and had realized that they weren't meant to be. Oh, how very naive I can sometimes be.

So when she came over to hug me, I hugged her back fiercely, convinced that – finally – everything was going to be alright.

And then the next words left her mouth, it took my mind a while to process them, for it came as too big a shock.

"Hermione", she told me, "can you imagine? I am pregnant!"

I could tell that she was about to burst from joy, but for probably the first time in my life, it took me a while to catch on.

"From Harry?", I asked dumbly, ever so slowly realizing that was happening.

"Of course from Harry. Who else do you think?", she asked, rolling her eyes at me. If Ginny hadn't been as overjoyed as she was, I am sure she would have caught on that something was wrong. But the way things were, she didn't, and for that I am tremendously grateful.

I managed to utter some congratulations, before I asked where Harry was at. She told me he was outside, gone for a walk. "He's still shocked that he's going to be a dad", she said, laughing. "And I think he worries, worries whether he's going to be a good enough dad."

She was spot-on with that, I could just picture Harry pacing outside. And I just knew right then and there, that Harry was never going to leave Ginny, because he would want his son or daughter to be happy, he would want him or her growing up with both of his or her parents, knowing that they loved him/her.

I said my good-byes to Ginny and went outside, my head spinning. Everything seemed to be happening at a pace far too fast. The world seemed to be spinning around me, while I seemed to be the only one moving at a slower pace.

I found Harry sitting underneath an oak tree, the very oak tree he had professed his feelings for me the day before. It seemed like ages ago, even though it had been barely 15 hours, but it could have as easily been a lifetime.

He was sitting there, staring at nothing, obviously contemplating his situation.

"Harry", I addressed him ever so softly, and he slowly looked up to meet my gaze. Our eyes locked, and for a moment there, no one but us existed. But the moment passed.

As Harry gazed back at the ground, he started explaining to me, explaining how he couldn't leave Ginny, how he couldn't do this to his unborn child. And I understood. Because that was just the way Harry is.

And I also knew that keeping this secret meant condemning us both to unhappiness. Because Harry wouldn't be Harry if he didn't feel responsible for making me unhappy.

For a moment I let myself dream about what could have been if I had been honest, but I knew what I had done, and I also knew that I would have to live with the consequences. But it wasn't fair on Harry, not in the least. He wasn't meant to suffer from the mistakes I made.

I hadn't planned on doing it, but it felt right as I did it. Harry was just staring at me, apology and regret deeply engraved in his eyes, when I whipped out my wand and obliviated him.

I did to my best friend what I swore I would never do again. I had once done it to my parents, without their contentment, and now I was doing it to my best friend, the man I loved.

I know that at some level it was wrong, but yet I cannot help but think that it was the only right thing I could do. It had been I who had made those horrible mistakes, and it wasn't fair to Harry – nor to Ginny – that they would have to suffer because of me.

So I made him forget that he had ever realized the shallow nature of his feelings towards Ginny, and erased his memory of feelings towards me. All he remembered me now as was his loyal best friend.

He looked at me somewhat dazed after I had finished the spell, clearly confused to why I was crying. But he was too busy with his newly-found joy over the pregnancy of his beloved wife and the fact that he was going to be a father, to doubt my explanation that I was just so happy for them it made me cry.

I once read that one lie often produces the need to lie again. Now I can say that I understand that chain effect all too well.

I know this entry is a whole mess. People would expect Hermione Granger's diary entries to be neatly written, well organized and everything, wouldn't they.

Well, my diary has always been the one thing I never kept tidy, I just wrote my thoughts as they keep pouring out. There is no need to justify what I am doing, no rules to obey by.

How do I feel right now? Sad, mostly. Heart-broken. Devastated. Ashamed. Probably mostly ashamed, ashamed of what I have done to my friends, to myself, ashamed of what I have become.

But one thing I have sworn to myself, that I at least have to remain honest to myself. There is no more hiding, no more suppression. Only guilt.

Maybe, one day I will learn to live with this guilt. And if I don't, it is just what I deserve for what I did.

Oh, if only I could take it all back. But unfortunately, life is not a fairytale. Perfect Hermione Granger has her very own flaws, and they are much bigger then I have ever admitted to myself.

What will I do now? I don't know, but I know one thing. As wrong as it was to obliviate Harry, it is probably the thing I feel least guilty for. Because if it helps him and Ginny to become happy, that's all that counts. Because they deserve it, and they deserve that much from me.

If they are happy, maybe for the first time in a long while I have done something right.

* * *

I am so sorry for the long wait. It's getting more and more difficult to find the time for writing.

Anyway, I am very worried about this chapter, do you think Hermione is getting too OOC? Hate it – love it? Please leave a review and tell me what you think!


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